I haven’t sat down and written in quite sometime. I have had so much I want to put down but have had so, so many emotions running through me I’ve kind of become scatter brained each time I attempt this.
As it grows closer and closer to Kenai’s 1st birthday I am amazed that this incredibly long year is somehow speeding to a close so soon. This has for sure been one of the harder years of my life but even though it has been so difficult, it has also been undeniably beautiful.
I was absolutely, without a doubt done having babies. Four kids was our end. I felt blessed beyond measure that after all of the years of not being able to have more babies & loosing babies that we were ever even surprised with baby #3, and then when we tried for #4 and were yet again given another precious gift I just thought everything was so complete. And once Kenai was born & given a diagnosis at 5 days old we just knew, that had sealed the deal, he was our final baby. There was no possible way to give anything else to any more. So when I found out that I was pregnant with baby #5 I felt I was on total overload. I was in total denial and just thought to myself there was no way this could happen, we had been actively trying to NOT get pregnant so really…how was this happening?Also the months prior to this I was trying to keep myself afloat & some days I really felt like I was drowning. How would I mother babies just 13 months apart? Have three babies in three years & how could I mother 5 kids?
I kept this quite outside of Darren and myself while I tried to internalize what was going on. I cried, a lot. I doubted myself, and honestly everything, a lot. I have always believed God only gives you what you can handle but for a time I was doubting this, too. While I held my baby who was just starting to get off of assistance of a feeding tube and oxygen, and I knew had so many things he was facing, wasn’t I at my max?
And then one day a new wave came over me. I finally felt a peaceful calming about this new situation. I looked at Kenai and I just started to cry, not sad tears, though. I just all of the sudden knew exactly why this surprise #5 was coming, this baby was coming for Kenai. I know deep in my heart this baby will help him, watch out for him and love him. I know this was the plan all along. I know these three bonus babes were just waiting for their time to join us & I almost feel dumb for doubting their timing. When we found out I was pregnant with #3, Kalies, I cried so many tears &, I was not ready to add to our family & also kind of expected to not be able to carry her, I was sure Iwould loose her. I feel awful for that reaction everyday &I feel a lot of those feelings right now. I know these two sisters Kenai will have close in age on both sides of him have been put their for a reason. I should have trusted this all along. I do not doubt that some days will be rough, messy, tiring and I am sure I will feel like I need to tap out, but I know tough times do not last and the beauty of this life far outweighs the hardships of it.
And speaking of beautiful chaos that has been my last almost year. I have been shaken to the core, brought to me knees and I have found me. I have felt more unlike myself and more self-awareness than ever in my life. That might make no sense at all but it is the only way to describe it. I might not always understand the journey but I am going to try and remember to trust it.