It is no secret this whole mom gig is tough. Being a mom to any number of kiddos is no cake walk, and each number you add to your clan you definitely feel like you need to step up your game.
I never in a million years thought I would be the mama of more than two kids. My husband and I talked about having 4 until we had two. I specifically remember after we had our second and my husband was out of state with work for about 2 weeks, sitting on our couch with a baby in each arm, and they were defiantly babies…our 2nd was born before our first was even two years old. I remember feeling slightly overwhelmed at that particular moment and I said to him on a phone call “we can’t have 4, we are done with two, I have 2 arms for a reason.”, he laughed a little, I didn’t… but we didn’t talk much more about it. About two years later I had my first miscarriage, it was a big shot to the gut. I went on to have a medical procedure a few years after that & I was told I needed to be for sure we were done having kids before hand, that after this it would be next to impossible for me to conceive and if by chance I did I would never carry to term. My husband had just gotten home from a deployment to Afghanistan and it wasn’t the time to try and add to our family & I saw this as a sign that we would forever be a family of 4. Fast forward a few years, 2 more early losses & when our then youngest was 8 years old I found myself pregnant with our rainbow baby. I was one nervous, unsure, mess of a woman. Scared I would loose this life, scared I wouldn’t be able to go back into the baby stage and all that goes with it. But having her, our rainbow, has been an amazing thing. And then bam, in less than 3 years we had 2 more! Our youngest two are basically twins.
Our 4th baby was born with lots of medical surprises and he requires extra, different care. I am in probably the biggest balancing act of my life. It is hard to try and give your kids equal time, it is hard when they are all in different stages and it is very hard when one of them needs you extra. Kenai needs me to eat & to move (for the most part), we have therapists in and out of the house, and we do therapy daily on the side. He requires extra care all day long, it is a lot and it isn’t easy. Add another baby on top of that and three other kids all in different stages, much more independent but still needing me and it can be a big internal battle, as a mom.
We as mothers, well, probably as parents in general, but I know for sure in ‘the motherhood’ we are always second guessing ourselves. We get overwhelmed and a lot of times that can result in little melt downs. Tears, yelling, silent treatment.., the options are like a revolving door, honestly.
I have definitely felt the harder days of motherhood and my overall reality isn’t necessarily different, but I have made a decision to look at everything differently. I still am “in practice” getting fully into this mindset and need to give myself reminders, but I am trying to see this in a new light. I am choosing to see this in a brighter light, trying to give myself a little slack. I am sure I mess up every single day. But I am praying my kids know I love them all. Each one is such a huge part of me and special in their own way! It is easy to be hard on yourself and hard to give yourself credit. I need to remember I am raising little people who will one day have lives away from mine. I am also raising three beautiful daughters and I want them to know & feel the struggle and the light! If I am always internally battling with myself that light is going to be harder to see. Right now is stressful no doubt! But I refuse to allow the stress to take over, I only get these little people for a little while and I am trying hard to make our days count, not be too hard on myself, love me and this life Darren and I have made…it’s a good one, I am blessed to be right here right now!